Restless in Hanover

Lately i've been restless, agitated, and uneasy. i'm not exactly sure the cause. it's like i'm constantly looking for something to happen, something big and exciting, something to knock me off of my feet and send me reeling into excitement and adventure. i suppose this is me still living from one brief stint of experience to the next.

i rely too much on planning and organization, i suppose. i like to have all of my affairs in order. i like to know what i'm doing in advance and plan out a list of activities, maintaining some semblance of a schedule. i do recognize the value of spontenaiety and living for the moment, but i feel naked without at least a guideline. i feel as though, if i go out at night without a plan mapped out in my head, that things won't work out as well. i won't have as much fun. if i don't know the sequence of places or frats to go to, then too much time will be wasted with indicision. and, anyone who knows me knows that i am one of the most indicisive people alive. i'm one who likes to maximize his fun/hang out time. it's so short and so anticipated that if i don't make the most of it, the work week will be back in full swing before i know it without a nice, fun interlude.

and, i've been so restless partly because i haven't been able to find order. i feel like i'm drowning in a pool of chaos. nothing seems to take shape lately. i just cant seem to find any sort of balance between sanity and helplessness. i've just been so alone. it seems like no one can understand me. it seems like no one will come to my rescue. it's senior year all over again. i came here to get away from that...far, far away from that. i came to college, and in only a term and a couple weeks, i am such a happier person. my friends from home even noticed a difference. i've never been more myself (if that makes sense), and i've never had this kind of prolonged peace and time alone with myself. sure, there are people here who i adore and consider very good friends. but, in freshman year at the D, i've really had time to just be alone and reflect. lately, ALL i've been doing is reflecting alone. i've been able to cope with some of my issues and make peace with a difficult inner conflict.

in doing so, i hopefully with be able to pull things back together and move on. i'm ready to get back out there and tear up campus. this weekend, Dartmouth's famed Winter Carnival, is a perfect opportunity to let loose and wild out on campus. Dartmouth won't know what happened to it once i'm done. thank GoD for DANCE PARTIES!!!! life is too short to waste depressed and lonely. i'm gonna get out there, get with some great people, get...um...tipsy...and dance the night away.

see you all on brighter days, kiddies!