Happy Now??

I must say, i was totally prepared to launch into this entire long, whining blog about how my life is depressing, the truly amazing moments are few and far between, etc....but, i just realized how fickle the mind is. after all my feelings of "golly, gee, shucks, wow. life sucks," as dead set on those feelings as i was, i turned on the tv and my entire attitude changed. i turned instinctively to comedy central to cheer me up, and i was not disappointed. who better to brighten my mood than classic Richard Pryor. good Lord, genius! i went from being "the sadest kid on earth" to laughing hysterically.

why is it that human emotions and moods are so easily swayed and affected? it made me wonder what a natural mood really is (i.e what is a natural state?). is it indifference? is it depression? do we merely live from one brief expereince of "happiness" or fulfilment to the next? and what exactly is happiness? it, i suppose, would be defined most elementarily as induced pleasure or satisfaction. but, happiness, to me, varies greatly on an individual basis. that which makes me happy is not necessarily what makes you happy. what am i left with after my "happiness" is over...anticipation for the next happy experience?

conservative catholic theologian Michael Novak would argue that i am currently descending into "the expereince of nothingness." the expereince of nothingness is essentially when individuals challenge or question the values or ideals which they are taught to uphold by their culture or society. in doing so, they seek to establish their own set of values for themselves. one of the things fed to us by our culture, he asserts, is what we use to define our happiness. the American dream of 2 cars, a nice suburban home, with 2.5 kids and a dog is one sort of happiness we are all taught to pursue. many define their happiness and success by material things. i, however, define my happiness by my freedom to let myself go.

only lately have i felt able to let go: let go of inhibitions, fear, self-consciousness, self-doubt, etc., and i realize how much better i feel once i've shed all those things weighing me down. life is way too short to waste feeling sorry for myself and bad about who i am. the only times i've noticed when i'm happy lately is when i get some confidence (some, balls if you will) and the courage to express a side that people don't normally see of me. i've spent so long trying to hide or shield certain parts of my life from the world, that moments of liberation are what i live for. these sparks of freedom truly make me happy.

the happiness component of liberation, however, only comes after a crescendo of mixed emotions. it seems like i run the gauntlet of emotions before i finally settle on happiness. there's a build up of worry and anxiety, followed by a spark of triumph, then brief regret, followed finally by realizing that what i did made me happy, and that i have nothing to regret at all.

it's been hard sorting through all of my thoughts and emotions, but i have faith that everything will turn out alright. the negative will be weeded out of my life, and the good will prevail in the end. negative influences and forces are easily conquered with the right attitude and amazing people surrounding you...or that's just what i think. before i end, i have a confession: i am an optimist. hate me or love me, it's part of who i am. if you choose to hate me for it, you're missing out on a whole lot more of me that i'm confident you wouldnt want to miss!

Adieu kiddies!