When A Black Man Turns Red

How many times have you fallen flat on your ass and been so scarred by it that it causes a chain reaction of lingering self-doubt, self-consciousness, and insecurity far beyond any reasonable amount of time? and, i don't necessarily mean literally "fall on your ass," but rather a moment in your life where you, frankly, fucked up. it is true that one can "eff" up in a number of ways. you could have mispelled your name on the SATs, farted during a prostate exam, had an erection when called to go write on the chalk-board, gotten caught masturbating by your parents, found yourself awkwardly in the restroom of the opposite sex, etc. how exactly do humans cope with a natural human flaw: that "everyone makes mistakes."

some can merely shrug off embarassing moments, while others let them marinate into an unhealthy self deprecation. why is it that people are so hard on themselves, and each other, for something that comes so naturally like fucking up? we are designed to make mistakes. no man is perfect. when you see a person trip, can you honestly say you didn't laugh? if you trip, can you honestly say that the first thing you didn't do was look around to see if anyone noticed? no one wants to be caught in an embarassing situation, yet we find it so hilarious when misfortune happens at the expense of others.

it's why we can't help but laugh uproariously at blooper reels, america's funniest home videos, or the jerry springer show, for fuck's sake. we laugh because it isn't happeneing to us. perhaps the reason people laugh so hard is because it makes them feel superior. it makes them feel as if they are more infallible. we laugh, but if we found ourselves on national tv with a midget lover, interracial children, and a parent in the KKK, it wouldnt be such a droll situation. we never want to get caught in an embarassing or compromising situation because it proves that we do make mistakes, that we are fallible. hell, it proves that we are human! yet, we reject that. we all have this inadvertant (well maybe not as inadvertant for the vain of us) desire to be as perfect as possible.

that's bullshit. we all want to be perfect, but we can't be. that's why now, if i trip, i laugh it off. i say now with emphasis. now i have learned to deal with embarassment more easily than i used to. i still let self-consciousness consume me when i make a mistake, though in my elder years, i am able to let go of embarassment quicker.

i can still remember the day as clear as it was yesterday. it was gym class in elementary school, and my pencil-thin 5 year old figure stood confused, yet observant in the wooden gymnasium. i watched as the rest of my class enjoyed a soccer game. we were teamed boys against girls. i wasn't exactly a soccer fan and hadn't really played the game before. so, i stood and watched the black and white blur spin back and forth accross the waxed floor. thinking i had witnessed enough to give the game a try, i jumped into action. i didn't have to jump too far, the ball rolled right up to my feet. since it was boys versus girls, i looked for where to score. then, i spotted a boy standing in the goal, and since i was on the boy's team, this must be where the boys score. i started moving the ball with my feet, a very primitive "dribble," i suppose toward the goalie. i was amazed at the ease with which i was able to maneuver past defenders. the girls almost seemed to step aside and let me pass. they were laughing. boy were those girls laughing hard. we were having so much fun! i approached, wound up, and just before the boy goalie could complete "Nooooo," I ripped the ball past him and scored...for the girls team. the entire gym errupted into laughter. why? then, it hit me. i had scored for the girls team. oh, my god. i looked over at the gym teacher for an escape from the laughing children. all i got was a disappointed glance as he rolled his eyes in disgust. i went over to the corner, slunk down, and buried my head.

why do i remember this so vividly. this simple little embarassing mistake lingered with me, literally years after it was over. i'm sure no one else in that gym remember what happened. but i do. i was so hurt by the reaction of the kids and even the gym teacher, that bastard Mr. B. ever since, i have been quite self-conscious while learning a new sport. cause, when i mess up, i get the feeling like everyone will turn and laugh just like that day 14 years ago.

when one allows something so insignificant and human to eat one's confidence, one would almost go overboard to be perfect in every action you perform. this has been my life story. and, sucks for me because i'm about as far from perfect as possible. i think every thing through so far, weighing all possible negative outcomes that i often second guess myself and back out of doing things to avoid doing something wrong.

i know i'm pathetic. but i'm working on it. i'm much more confident now than ive ever been. a lot of my change took place through high school, a time when many would say are the most awkward social years of their lives. now that i'm at college, i feel ready to grow and complete my confidence building regimen.

so to you out there, please try not to hold on to embarassment, as painful as it might be. it only hurts you more in the long run. trust me, i know from experience. the soccer story is only one of many times in my life i have fucked up and suffered far longer than i should have. now, i just laugh it off. please, laugh it off. if others laugh, laugh with them, share in the experience. maybe they'll see that you are only human and that they are, too, imperfect. and when you see some one fall on their ass, help them up. laugh, but only if they laugh first!

till tomorrow, Holla Kiddies!