Love Un...Never Requited

Well, i might as well bypass all of the normal journal type stuff of recording my daily activities and ventures and dive right into the juicy portions of my life. Hmm. Come to think of it, my life isn't terribly juicy, but, rather, i'll say "moist."

so, my love life is a joke. hell, i'd laugh if someone one told me they had a love life like mine. for the longest time, i pittied myself, and i would always complain in hopes of getting the pity of others. at this point in my life, having just turned 19 about 2 months ago (on the 11th), i'm beyond pity. i don't mean that if there were a stronger word than pity it would apply here. i mean, i've recognized that pity is exactly what i don't need. this is to say, pity would only further my dilusion that i am not at fault, that it's the world's fault for not falling madly in love with me. c'mon, who wouldnt fall in love with this tall dark stranger!? i may not be a hunk or a model, but i'm not so bad to look at, and i think im a fun guy to be around. the world should quiver in shame and immediately fall to its knees in prime fellatio position in regret for having left me so lonely and dateless for all these years.

this was the thinking of the old Chris Jones. that Chris Jones is sooo 1998-2004. in the spirit of new years resolutions with the dawning of a new year (2005 baby...woah, i'll be 20!), i vow simply this: to really examine my life and just be honest with myself. i firmly believe that honesty with the self leads to unabashed honesty with others. so that i can stop lying to the world about my sad love plight, i have to stop lying to myself. my love life is only pitiful because i've made it that way. it's no fault of anyone else but mine.

an honest assessment of my faults: i am in no way, shape, or form aggressive. i'm a pretty laid-back romantic. sure my thoughts can get pretty aggressive. like this one time i imagined one particular object of my affection sitting delightfully and innocently in a room typing on a computer, when suddenly, i burst through the door like a maverick and lustfully tear my victim away from the dim-lit screen. i then throw them on the back of my horse and gallop away to a secret loft where we make sweet, sweet passionate love....followed by rough sex. that's not so bad actually. however, most of my fantasies involved being swept off of my own feet by some ruthless, yet gentle, scavenger ready to pillage my body. ok, tmi, i know, sorry.
i know that by all standards of society the man is supposed to be the aggressor, the one to take charge. but, that's just not in my personality. i've always told myself that one special person will come along one day and that will change. i will be so smitten, that i cannot be able to contain the urge to go jump some bones. perhaps that will still happen, but until, i'm still waiting..patiently...frustratedly...and hornily.
also, i never have the confidence to initiate any sort of romanticism. i'm quite self-conscious, and i don't much know why. i always feel as though i'll do something wrong, or say the wrong thing, or be totally awkward. mostly, i think it stems from an uncontrollable fear of rejection. i've never been rejected. this is because i've never put myself into a situation where i can be rejected. i don't understand what i'm so afraid of. it won't be the end of the world if someone simply says, "no."
i try to avoid awkward situations at all cost. to be put into a scenario where i have to face someone that rejected me, knowing my feelings for them and their lack of feelings for me, seems just so embarassing to me. i don't like to be hurt. so i figure i spare myself the hurt in advance...though at the cost of a good portion of my own happiness.
finally, i always seem to bark up the wrong tree. when i do fall for someone, it's always at the worst possible time ever. the other person is either involved in another relationship, or i'm not exactly their type, or my man-breasts are too big, or something like that. that's an immediate set up for hurt and disappointment, when you unwillfully fall for someone you can never have. it's happened so many times now, i'm used to it.

so what is this listing of my faults all to say, anyway. well. i need to suck it up, get some balls, and face my fears head on. this pessimism just won't do. my fear of rejection should not supercede the 50% possibility that a "yes" may follow one of my advances. don't get me wrong, i don't feel as though i need a relationship to validate my college experience or to be completely happy, peachy, and keen. but, it is a nice little bonus, having someone with whom to share my feelings of affection. plus, i've run into a few objects of attraction here at the Big D, and maybe i'll be man enough to pursue one of them... actively this time. i always think i'm being so obvious in my subtle little advances. though, really, i'm only peeking at a person from around a corner, and i naturally i expect them to notice, run over to me, and start passionately hooking on the spot. i pledge to shed the self-consciousness, realize that i am good enough person for anyone to date, and go get em, tiger. if someoone doesnt't like me for me, then fuck em, well, not literally cause they're bastards anyway. so, pro-active Chris is on the way...

well, one day, one day.

Till next time, kiddies.