CJo: Ahead of My Time

I Have A Dream

2007-03-11T23:29:00.000-07:00

I always seem to get pretty good creative inspiration halfway between consciousness and dreaming. I know I am not dreaming because I am aware of my thoughts and am fairly certain that I can open my eyes at any point. These revelations of creative grandeur occur either when I am waking or falling asleep, thought mostly when I am falling asleep and usually pass by until I remember them again. I prefer to have them when I am waking so that I can wake and write them down. As I am the laziest person alive, when I am falling asleep, it better be a pretty damn good idea for me to get back up and write it down before I forget it. That's how I usually weed out the terrible ideas. If it's good enough to remember, it'll be waiting right behind my eyelids when I wake. However, this is probably why I've started falling asleep with my computer right by my face every night. I use the excuse of playing music, but it's mostly an exercise in memory.

Mostly my creative ideas include funny ideas for characters, or poetry (which has caused me to sit up and flow), or short stories (one which I am currently working on), or even ideas of things I want to draw or paint. I usually don't like to draw or paint from scratch. I like to copy works. But I've had some pretty fresh ideas for stuff in the past. I had one idea which turned out pretty well in the sketching stages of a painting for my mom's office of two children reading. Since her old office burned down and she lost all her old artwork, I promised to create her something new. Two years later, here I am with that same little pencil sketch....remember I said I was lazy...I should write this down before I forget.

Well just recently I had this idea right before I woke up that I wanted to write a script. I've written a couple scripts in the past that I've liked, but nothing that was really serious. I like to write scripts about things that I know or experiences that I've had with fictionalized characters and embellished elements. I feel like the best stories are the ones you've lived. The short story I'm writing has a gay protagonist with a plot not far from my own life, and the last two original art pieces have been composed around a young African American male. Since I've been dying to write a script which I could direct, have only acted, I feel like I may have stumbled on a pretty good idea for a comedy. I am going to write about my experiences at the 'Beez. I've come across some pretty colorful characters in my months working there, and think it could actually work. From my managers, the cooks, my fellow servers, the hosts, and most importantly the guests, I have a solid base for character structure, and of course, my own life would serve as inspiration for the plot line. It would absolutely be a comedy, and probably be designed for the stage (black box) in one act.

I'd love to put it on at some point, perhaps at Dartmouth. Maybe one day it'll come to pass. Maybe one day all of my projects will actually pan out.

now off to sleep, kiddies, i have work to do.

Hot Mess

2007-02-11T21:44:00.000-08:00

I am a mess of emotions these days, kiddies.

I need to post more. I will. I have a couple in the works.

I went up for Winter Carnival this past weekend. It was AMAZING!! It was just what I needed. I really needed to get away, just for a weekend to refresh myself and see some of my loves and party recklessly. Of course the weekend was filled with it's share of drama (oh gays!), but overall, it was fantastic. I had so much fun. Made me feel like a celebrity! Disco Inferno was ridiculous as usual, but I was lookin' supa funky fly fresh as Soul Jones (my Disco alter ego), and made the spot groovy with my happenin'moves. Solid, baby.

The weekend and other contributors also left me with a lot on my mind. Sometimes I feel like when I'm sad or confused, or just need someone to talk to, I dunno to whom to turn. I know that I have so many wonderful friends...but they can be unavailable on occasion. And I also feel like I don't want to unload on anyone. So I bottle stuff up inside. That isn't good is it? Oh well, life will love me one day.

On that queeny dramatic note, auf, kiddies.

Something New

2007-01-21T00:29:00.000-08:00

I posted a couple weeks ago about my inability to find my muse, yes/no?. Sometimes I enjoy writing poetry, but none I started would go much further than a few lines. Others I had written, on the other hand, seemed to come much easier in one sitting. I started to wonder what was wrong with me that I couldn't seems to find any inspiration to write. Well, I have been bitten by the bug in the middle of the night once again. This one is called "FlowS" -capitalization intentional. It's still a work in progress, but this one definitely has some inspiration behind it! :-)

FlowS

My new song flows free.
Echoes of a rhythm and beat
Pound my soul as they vibe and compete,
Generating with their unpredictable meter
A fascinating heat- or something
Undeniably captivating-
Sounding the vibrations of my heart.

These strings toil and reverb
Striking lyrics "Do Not Disturb"
From the door of a hope closed
For far too long.

I awaken for the cadence of a new beginning.
This stirring new verse
Refreshes and thrills the senses
Like crescendos unrehearsed
Beautiful tones penetrate my defenses.
My chords progress for a duet in due tempo
Seeking dynamic harmony in rubato.

My new song flows free-
Echoes of once blind rhymes,
But now, I see.
Only sweet song can my heart pour.
Homophonic accompaniments make it soar.

Metaphorically speaking, kiddies!

Fruit Works

2007-01-13T08:46:00.000-08:00

So, here I am in the last week at Applebee's. I've been working there for quite a few months this time around, and surprisingly, I will miss parts of it when I'm gone. I will NOT miss the job. I will miss the people and how I could count on a good laugh everyday. Those people kept me sane in a time when I definitely needed it. I really did have fun on the job most days joking around with my fellow Apple-Buddies™. We did share laughs and stories and complaints from obnoxious guests. However, there is one thing I did not share with them.

And I am completely at peace with that decision. Certainly there are times when I feel guilty and times when I feel angry. Also there are times when I just don't want to be bothered. The latter was most often the case. Hate me for selling out, but I guess they'll never know...

Tie'd Down

2007-01-10T15:04:00.000-08:00

Ever since my birthday back in November, I made a silly resolution to wear ties whenever I go out. I have, for the most part kept up with it.

In high school, I had to wear a tie every day, and amidst the goraning and protests of other students who felt it a pain in the ass, I actually liked it. I love ties. They are my absolute favorite accessory, and I try to wear them whenever appropriate.

But after I turned 21, I figured, why not make everyday appropriate! When I was a kid, I associated ties with people who were grown and independent and making a life for themselves. Though I may be often over-dressed for many occasions, I think they are pretty neat, and they make me happy. I get compliments all the time, so why not keep it up? I built the damn collection for 4 years, why let it go to waste. I love button shirts, and what better to pair it with than a smart tie. I'm not saying I'm Mr. GQ all the time, but there are ways to dress down or casually and sport a tie, and I try to make it work with or match the affair.

This is is no way a boast of my fashion sense, just a proclamation of my love affair with the neck tie. So when you see me with one, you'll know I'm just all grown up.

If I could only master the windsor knot, kiddies...

Tabard, Zunt!

2007-01-07T16:11:00.000-08:00

I miss The Tabard, through and through.

If there is any place at Dartmouth which registers as home to me, it is The Tabard. I joined the co-ed greek house at 3 Webster Avenue in my sophomore spring, and after I did, I wondered what the hell took me so long! As I pass under the iron ∑EX porch on my way into the house, I know I am safe, I know I am among friends, I know that I am going to hear/see/feel/taste shit i won't find anywhere else on campus...nay, in life. And that's what's most exciting!

Doors Close, Windows Open. Easy Come, Easy Go.

2007-01-04T17:06:00.000-08:00

I am liking '07 already.

I really like the direction it is headed. Looking broad picture into my near future this year, i like what's in store.

I ran into a friend the other day who I hadn't seen in years. He used to live down the street from me, and we were best friends growing up. He's so much older now. He looked weathered with so much life that I haven't even begun to expereince. He's only 2 months older than me, but we're years apart now. He came to my house, we exchanged numbers and an awkward handshake. It was still great to see him. We used to be thick as thieves until I became so busy in school life and then moved away to college, and he started staying on the other side of town with his aunt. Nice to know you can always stumble on a familiar past.

I also got offered a job today. I was waiting on these two men dressed in business attire, and after they finished eating, I asked if they would be interested in trying a dessert (chocolate meltdown..dripping with fudge, sizzling apple pie..with cascades of caramel sauce, or maple butter blonde... for example). the one guy who had about 20 diet pepsi's says to me, "you seem like such a good salesman to me the way you almost got me to buy about 5 appetizers and now 3 desserts...what would you say to working full time in sales?" I sort of looked dumbfounded for a minute. I really didn't know how to respond. I always thought I'd be quick to jump on the bus and leave the bar & grill in the applebees neighborhood. But, I said I would have to decline as I'm really a full time student. But, I waited for him to explain more. He said they worked for Enterprise car rental and they'd love for me to swing by and have a look around, fill out an application and all the usual formalities. They gave me a website and a name and number to consider, and I told them I certainly would. But, I figure it's pretty pointless to be trained for a job, and begin it (it's probably a commission job anyway) just to say, "oops, time for school now," grab my lunchbox and leave. Ahh, the exciting adventures of the 'Beez.

I think this boy has had just a little too much excitement in only 4 days..not to mention the tall, dark, and handsome stranger that has caught my eye!

I just hope it's all real life, not just a fantasy...

Carry on, kiddies.

007

2007-01-01T01:01:00.000-08:00

It's a New Year!!!! Welcome 2007!! WOO HOOO!!!!

I am so glad it is a new year. And, though only a calendar day has gone by, the new year represents a new beginning and a chance to start fresh with many things in my life. I'm not gonna go crazy and Martha Stewart makeover my whole life. Cause, I happen to like my life. But, I will give it some neat little touch ups- "twirl it up" - as my friend's gay uncle the florist would say. Ok, that metaphor is really murdered, now.

I spent the night out in the city and saw so many blasts from my past it is rediculous. I was surprised how many were so friendly toward me. These guys when I knew them back in the day were jerkfaces. Funny how the new year brings people together. Makes me kind wish it were like this everynight. It would certainly let me know that I'd have a nightly social life.

I hope and I know that this will be a great year. With a pocketful of resolutions and new convictions, it promises to start out pretty swell. And, I love the word swell.

And I realized I am the biggest sap in the world. I think that's a good thing.

May old acquaintances stick around awile and catch up, kiddies.

Where Is My Muse?

2006-12-30T23:39:00.000-08:00

I have been trying to write this poem for an entire week now. It just won't happen.

I write poetry a little backwards. I start with a title and work from there. I get great ideas for titles, and then write off of my ideas from them. It's sort of how I compose blog entries too. I like titles. I like thinking of them. I especially like them when they are clever or when I can dodge and weave what I write around and then reach the idea expressed in the title in the conclusion. I'm a nerd. Sigh.

But this poem just will not go past this one line. I get poetry in spurts. I usually can sit down at one time and have it jsut blurt out of my head. But not this time. I have hit a wall. Ironic because the title is "The Turnaround" and begins "It's about that time: when eyes open/ and clarity reigns/ with abundance." Silly.

It was inspired by my recent resolve to make a mental turnaround thereby letting go of some of the mental deadweight that had been stressing me in the past. By the past I really mean 2006 which was kinda dumb. I don't mean to sound as if I'm troubled by a haunted past, just that it's about time I moved on from certain things and looked at others differently. Supposedly, my eyes are to open now, and clarity will "reign" in the place of confusion and unrest. At the time, it did, then it didn't... Now I'm stuck. Hopefully, I will get back on track.

Actually, here's the whole thing so far...maybe somemthing will jar out of me now:

The Turnaround

It's about that time:
When eyes open
And clarity reigns
With abundance.

My heart sings free.
Lyrics pour the sweet
Fragrance of
I once was blind, but
Now I SEE.

.....hmm, I read the last line I had written, and I hate it. In fact, I'll never be satisfied. But one day, it'll hit me again, I'm sure.
UNDER CONSTRUCTION. POEM CLOSED FOR REPAIR.

Here's one I wrote a little ways back while unable to sleep.

In Good Company

It feels so nice to be in such good company
I am never alone, never abandoned
My thoughts run rampant to the point
When I must sit up in bed and write.

Consume, conspire, these thoughts transpire
Twisting, turning, my mind is burning
I want to sleep, but my mind, eager to play
Won’t let me put to bed all I seek to escape.

Emotions, insufferable notions taking their toll
The harder I’m trying, the more I am dying
Death of sanity, death of my inspiration
Conscience and eyelids too heavy to bear

These old friends, these constant demons
Here to dance away my dreams without reason
Will smile and pose at their recognition
And give me one night out alone until I come running back.

That’s what I think.

CWJ 12/19/06 5:41am

Geeze, I sound like a nutcase. I promise I'm not. Really... But I am also working on a new one called "Heaven's Come" soooo, LOOK OUT!

Ok, enough of my wayyy too emo self for one night.

Will I ever be able to complete anything I start, kiddies?

Talk Is Cheap!

2006-10-27T22:44:00.000-07:00

That's right, I said it, TALK IS CHEAP. And, if you don't believe me, you've got another thought coming.

what i really mean is that it doesn't cost anyone anything to have a friendly conversation or even speak to someone. talking is our most basic form of communication as humans. we learn it in our early stages of development, and we never forget how to do it. so why do some people conveniently forget how to do it when confronted with social interaction? it's RUDE.

i was in the restaurant today, and this bitch (excuse my language, but i forget her name sometimes and it's my little nickname for her) who works behind the bar is so incredibly rude all of the time. her attitude is disgusting. i walk in this morning, i dared part my lips to say, "hello," and she frowns. well, this is the tone of our relationship. i LOVE her. she's the bartender, so when i ring in bar bevrages (alcohol, lemonades, assorted drinks) i am forced to wait for her to make them. this makes my effing day as i wait for her to take her damn sweet time. all the while she'll gab away with all the other female employees as if it's girls' day out. but me- i get a tall glass of sour mix with free refills. i am friendly and cordial with everyone else in the beez (i call it the beez- it's hip) and can hold friendly conversations. i laugh and joke with nearly everyone, including my managers. but not this WHORE. shit, i forgot, i should be polite and call her bitch. after all, it is her name (to me at least).

would it kill her to speak to me or be nice or to talk to me? does it cost her a damn thing? no. she might actually find out that i'm a sweet muh-fucker and i'm fun to talk to. but no. it is not so.

i don't mean to sound so harsh (i secretly do), but the main point i'm driving at is that it would be nice to establish a habit or pattern of speaking to people, or just to be cordial and friendly. it'll brighten your own day to say, "hello" to someone else. even if they're a crab, you'll feel better about yourself for having been bigger than them.

hi, kiddies. can we talk sometime? it's on me.

Outlet

2006-10-26T23:14:00.000-07:00

SO...

here i find myself once again: the computer-age, self-pitying, should-be-off-my-ass-doing-something-better-with-my-life, lonely recluse with a self-inflicted chip on my shoulder. did i mention the bitter taste settling in the back of my mind from the monotony of my current daily routine? or the fact that i am stuck in a rut of "am i making the right choice?" or what's worse is that i cant ever seem to find the answer?

SO...

of course, being the product of my generation, i turn to this wonderful art of blogging once again. far from the generation of "movers and shakers" (to coin my friend lee's notion) who incited riots and demonstrations, organized protests, or simply involved themselves in civil work when complacency and unrest settled into their minds, i have found comfort in my ability to sit right here behind my keyboard and type my troubles away to a faceless audience (orperhaps no one at all). maybe this whole personal blogging thing is just a new wave of therapy for people to mentally vomit the built up shit weighing heavy on their sanity. maybe it's just me. we all've know i'm crazy for a while now.

so...(i use lowercase to segue into my grander scheme. SHIT, IM WACKY.)

i have decided to start posting once again...FOR MY SANITY. basically, to cut out the bullshit, i am bored, i am lonely, and i'd like to vent. i use to actually like writing on here, so maybe there's something to this whole blog-therapy idea, and maybe it just might work. indulge my grand ideas of writing genius to come, and keep in mind my mind is a little out of practice and focus. i'll mostly write about ideas that strike me as i did when i started out more than a year ago.

maybe i'll follow through with something for once.

(interestingly enough) happy to be back, kiddies!

Psyche, Got You!

2005-07-30T23:45:00.000-07:00

Wow, havent posted in forever!!! i guess the best place to jump back in is by trying to accomplish again what i originally intended for the blog: thought provoking questions and my opinions of them. here's one i've been thinking about for a while now:

ok, so i'll start by asking this: why do we make fun of each other? can't we all live in the example of dear old rodney king and ask, "can't we all just get along?" many people like to joke around with some harmless "ribbing" and "doing the dozens." and to me, that is absolutely fine, and in some cases healthy. there is nothing wrong with joking around and making fun of freinds. i don't think people should take life too seriously, and if you can't joke around with friends, then who can u joke with?

but, i always wonder if the real reasons people take shots (in good fun or with malicious intent) is because of some sort of self-consciousness, self-doubt, self-acknowledged insecurities, or just to make oneself feel superior. in situations where people are engaging in "witty banter" or "friendly insults" everyone wants to be the best: have the best jokes, one-up the other, and have the last laugh. insults and making fun of people inevitably sparks a sense of competition and rivalry, even if not completely serious. and i'm sure we've all encountered situations where people have "taken things too far." feelings can get hurt. people get offended. friendships are strained. ultimately, the hope would be that all things are mended in the end. but it makes you wonder if even friendly joking is worth the possible consequence of upset feelings or people taking something to heart.

i know sometimes it's all too easy for friends to take for granted what they think the other will tolerate. i'm not necessarily thinking of any specific instances in my life, but i know that it happens (and has happened). we cross lines without even knowing it. we just assume that since we are friends, the other couldn't possibly be offended. but things can hurt, even if that hurt isn't always expressed. the reasons i can think that someone wouldn't always tell the other when they are offended is that they don't want to cause a bigger problem if one is not necessary. we would sacrifice our own dignity almost, to not make a big deal of things with our friends.

but is it right to always let bygones be bygones? when do we stand up for ourselves and when do we let things slide? what's the point of something being a "big deal" or "blowing things out of proportion?" i think this is such an interesting phenomenon. i should really be a psych major to study all of these things.

well, that was just on my mind, and it's interesting to ponder. my thoughts on the matter aren't done, but i can't make sense of anything else floatin around up there in the noggin. please comment with your thoughts, and the discussion can continue.

If you just read this, you suck!

just kidding, kiddies!

Too Bad, So Sad

2005-06-13T14:35:00.000-07:00

Like it or not, freshman year of college is over...

What a ride. This has truly been one of the best years of my life. I can't think of another more memorable or amazing experience in my life thus far. Being on my own for the first time, away from home more than 2 weeks that is, I truly learned to be more independent and self-sufficient. As bad as I thought that transition was going to be, I quickly learned that no one at Dartmouth is ever truly alone. So, I really didn't have to worry about feeling lonely or overwhelmed. I found support and friendship just about everywhere I turned. That is one of the biggest reasons I fell in love with the College so fast. I am certainly a person who depends on people and friends to keep me happy and grounded, and as I always say, "The best thing about Dartmouth is the people. It really is a close community with a strong family atmosphere." (C.Jones, Tour Guide)

Friends definitely made the whole experience better than I could have ever imagined. I feel as though the best things to happen to me last year were my DOC Trip as I've remained close to many of my trippees (one in particular-you know who you are), and Dog Day (where would my life be without DDP!?!?). Not to even mention the Gospel Choir, Dimensions Show (hot), GSA, and the million other things I got myself into this year. I know it sounds cliché, but I really did make the friends, acquaintances, and relationships I'm sure I'll have for life.

Another one of the great things about College is dealing with increased responsibility while managing the increased irresponsibility as well. You suddenly realize that you are accountable for every single one of your actions and no one will be there to clean up your mess for you. Sure I got into my fair share of mess and craziness, but all in good fun and never to excess. You learn your limits, and what limits to push as well as which ones to leave alone. I really learned to live with and understand myself. As much as no one is alone, you get plenty of "you-time" to reflect and do some soul searching.

I definitely feel as though I've grown significantly because of that last year. Whether it be my increased appreciation for both the rural and urban lives (Hanover v. Baltimore), my renewed faith in my own intelligence, the many ups and downs in my sanity, my increased comfort in my own skin, or the lessons I learned from all of my amazing friends, I come away from freshman year only yearning for September again!

DARTMOUTH '08 for life, kiddies!

Winning Hand

2005-05-26T13:15:00.000-07:00

I just wrote this poem in about 7 minutes. I was pretty surprised, myself. I mean it's kinda long. I guess it is what the fabulous mean girls would call "word vomit." It's in progress still. I guess it was my pathetic attempt at slam poetry. It just kinda came to me, and I couldn't stop writing. So, I may change it from time to time. I've tentatively called it "Winning Hand."

Your hug, your embrace
As I gently nestle with my face-
-ing a bosom of unknown, unseen
misguided, divided, abused
alienation. A closet nation
tucked into a corner of a room
even the hired help wouldn't dare enter-
-taining the thought of losing
what I love most kills me-
me who doesn’t even know its own definition,
singing a new rendition of the national anthem
Oh say can you see fit to give a damn?
By the dawn’s early light-
-ing a fire of cynicism, bitter rebellion erupting in a cataclysm
so well predetermined, Uncle Sam can only smile in approval.

Where does one turn?
World rife with scorn, only a few helping hands,
those who bother to take on the cause
for all the right reasons
in all the convenient seasons,
earning their degrees in
"charity masturbation"

Where do I fit in to this predestination?
this cultural fabric, a patchwork design of
carefully manipulated tactics to keep the rich rich,
the poor on their knees, few of us with high degrees
elevating fees so insurmountable,
the cost of happiness and satisfaction leaves one up to
no good in debt. We lie, cheat, steal
our way to get what we all should have-
worn the blue tie today instead of the red one,
I’m up for that promotion from minimum wage to
A more desirable page in the scripted “American” Ideal-
I deal with too much shit in one day.
I deal in the business of destroying the Ideal-
-ism is something I dreamt of once

I’m silent but screaming right where I stand-
up and be counted among the nameless, faceless
masses waiting for a pathetic handout-
of time, out of energy, shit out of luck.
This race only stops when we erase the embrace of race-
-ial institutions and ill-formed constitutions
feigning protection and so-called guarantees.
Guarantee me my goddamned respect.
Guarantee me my fucking acres, I can let the mule slide.
Guarantee me his glance in my direction.
Guarantee me a life free of disappointment-
Not mine, hers, the life I actually care about-
face! Make a change! March on to freedom!
Although, the broken backs and footsteps will never stop-
sign. Staring into a dead - end – construction here –
you go sir, one heaping helping of “label A + label B,
dash of C and some D equals E –qual opportunity
if you can afford the price of gaining nothing, but losing everything…

so fricken deep, kiddies *snaps*

Get 'Em While It's Cheap!

2005-05-26T13:00:00.000-07:00

Amazing to see how many people/"reputable" organizations are taking gratuitous shots at people lately. it seems everywhere i turn, people are making unjustified, unwarrented attacks on people just becuase i suppose the feel they can get away with it.

i personlly find it completely unfair and unnecessary. the people who i've noticed making the most attacks are those who lack anything better to write or talk about. and apparently the combination of boredom, a pen, and paper equals the prime opportunity to catch someone with their proverbial pants down. thus, these bullies make it their business to go around and slander, libel, and assault unsuspecting victims.

and, what i find even more sad and distressing is the fact that when people try to defend themselves or stand up to their attackers, they are only further belittled, unfairly represented, and humiliated. the systems seems a little effed-up to say the least.

i mean, if it werent for the constant examples of amazing people still left in my life, i would lose all faith in humanity. pretty sad state of affairs. i try to keep the advice of a close friend in mind at times like this, "let it be like water off a duck's back. it will ultimately make you the better person."-KB

can i get an amen, kiddies?

The Blogger Strikes Back

2005-05-12T17:30:00.000-07:00

In a recent article found here in Dartmouth's conservative newspaper, The Dartmouth Review, written under the pseudonym "Kevin Parkman," several distressing statements were made defaming me and my character. Here is the letter I wrote in response:

5/10/05

Mr. “Parkman”:

In a recent article published on May 9, 2005 titled, “The Dartmouth Review of Blogs,” you make several personal attacks and jump to conclusions based on false evidence which causes me much distress.

You reference a collaborative blog, of which Laura Reyes ’08, Ian Tapu ’08, Ken Wells ’08, and myself are all members, titled “the randomness.” Let me begin by saying that my post dated Sunday, April 24, 2005 was an inside joke between friends. It was a fictitious story following a discussion about a hypothetical night during Dimensions Weekend. You yourself acknowledged that, “Mr. Jones, Ms. Reyes, and Mr. Wells all seem to be well-acquainted with one another.” Therefore, the intended audience understood the correct meaning of my joke.

An outside reader, such as yourself, not understanding the context of the post, read it and drew false conclusions and assumptions about me and my character. Your not knowing what an “MWT” is only further proves that you are out of the loop. What’s worse and quite reflective of your poor journalistic integrity is the fact that you lack an ombudsman on the staff of the Review to check the “facts” you put into print. I find it quite disturbing that you would choose to print judgments and assumptions about a person’s character and sexuality before verifying that your information is correct. Can you not see the deep harm that this could cause?

You state, “Jones is a homosexual, as we know from a post at the Randomness where he rhetorically opined about his experiences during admitted students’ weekend.” Yet, nowhere in my post do I say, “I have a sexual preference for men” or, even more directly, “I am a homosexual.” In an inside joke between my circle of friends who are also contributors to “the randomness,” I made reference to dancing with a prospective student. Now, what you misconstrued to be concrete truth letting you and your readers “know” I am homosexual, is actually merely a misguided supposition.

First, you make the egregious assumption that males’ dancing with males necessarily constitutes homosexual behavior. Second, you completely jump from A to C in your conclusion about my sexual orientation based on a joke, and not fact. Third, you pass uninformed judgment about my “misrepresentation” of the Admissions Office in my personal life. If you actually cared, I did not drink a “Mad Dog,” nor did I smoke a “J.” My remarks were obviously sarcastic as I stated, “Who knew drinking a whole Mad Dog and smoking (sic) a J would impair judgement (sic)? Couldn’t someone have told me?” Anyone with common sense would know that alcohol and drugs would impair judgment. So, before you decide to reproduce material from a website in order to make assumptions and jump to conclusions, it would be nice to consult the source, especially when it is easily accessible with a quick “blitz.”

Also, I fail to see how my sexuality has any relevance to the subject of the article, “blogging.” Instead, you used the opportunity to launch into your own personal crusade regarding homosexuality by using it in a negative tone and accusatory way. Your petty labeling only makes obvious your agenda regarding homosexuality. Let me assure you, that being called a homosexual is in no way an insult. Yet, I am a person, and when you label, you reject all of the many facets that comprise my character, personality, and humanity. So, whatever motivation you had in casually throwing out your personal assumptions and views about homosexual behavior was unwarranted and untoward.

According to my knowledge as a blogger and someone who is fairly familiar with blogs in general, they do not all have to have the philosophical waxing of a Daniel Webster. Rather, they are an open exchange of personal views, opinions, thoughts, and values. Not all blogs are the same—some are meant as alternative forms of journalism, like news blogs, while others are meant more as online diaries. To question people’s right to say what they want is to question free speech. Admittedly, my blog, “CJo: Ahead of My Time” (http://cjo.blogspot.com) does not have a strict agenda; thus, it more of an exercise in personal expression that anyone interested in reading is more than welcome to access.

If the Review chooses to print an article about blogs in general and the reasons why they are good or bad, they do not need to pinpoint specific blogs, because such an action not only fails to achieve a commentary on blogs themselves, but also unfairly takes blog entries out of context and can cause harm to the individual.

As a side note, I find it quite ironic that you chose to point out the number of writing “mistakes” with a “[sic]” as if grammatical correctness is the ultimate goal of my blog. I just wanted to call your attention to the last sentence in the second-to-last paragraph of your article:
But what of the fact that, unlike mainstream media outlets, the distribution of blogs is severely left-tailed, making the average blog is [sic] far less useleful [sic] than the average news outlet. (The Dartmouth Review, 5/9/05)

Lastly, I think it would be appropriate of you to step up and use your own name in writing your article. If you take pride in defaming and demeaning others in your work, laying everyone’s personal business out on the table, the least you could do is step up and share your own. Take some credit for your work, as poor as it is. You certainly do not hide anything about the people you reference in your article, so what do you, yourself, have to hide?

Christopher Jones ‘08

kinda pissed and a little disappointed in humanity, kiddies.

Advice

2005-05-09T10:55:00.000-07:00

The target audience will know who they are:
Things to avoid: don't put me in a box, don't label me, & don't only view me trough a myopic scope. Labels are never good. They benefit no one and only serve as a superficial identification. There is so much depth and complexity to a person, and labels significantly reduce someone to just a few unchosen words. I am a person, and when you label, you reject all of the many, many facets which comprise my character, personality, & humanity. Thanks.

(p.s. If you really want to find out more about me, go back and read some of my posts, especially my earlier ones in the January archives.)

"Too Gay to Function"

2005-04-28T21:30:00.000-07:00

Today was a lot of fun. i spent 3 hours at Hanover High today speaking to sophomores in a health class about sexuality and sharing personal experiences and things. they got a chance to hear from Dartmouth students and ask any questions they could think of, and we all answered honestly and sincerely. it was an extremely interesting and fun day, actually. in a way it was sort of my way of resolving all of my high school "issues." i have never been so open and candid about myself with so many strangers before. it was very rewarding for me, and hopefully for the students as well.

the concensus from all the Dartmouth students who participated in this was that they all wished this had happened when they were in high school. we all wish someone had come and talked so freely and shown us that people can be open and happy, that people can deal with thier issues and be and content, at peace, and supported. i know that coming from the all-male, hypermasculine high school, a talk like this would have really made some people's day that much brighter. i know it would have made mine.

it was so interesting to go back to highschool, because you quickly realize that these people probably don't know many "out" people. and we told then that in any way that they are supportive of (using blanket term) Queer issues or do their part to stop homophobia and speak up when derogatory comments are made can really make someone or many people feel so special inside. it's always so reassuring and touching when someone is open in their support. someone in the crowd may seek out that person to bear their soul in the future. you never know who you can affect with so little effort. it takes much more effort to hate than to love.

as someone who not so often wears their heart on their sleeve, who generally likes to keep his feelings harbored to himself, i can say that opening up, especially to strangers can be tough. it can be overwhelming. yet, discussion and openess is ultimately the best way to grow.

pretty comfortable in my skin, kiddies.

Release

2005-04-28T12:15:00.000-07:00

Hello once again from your friendly neighborhood blogger! My mind has been sort of this jumble of confusing and conflicting thoughts, emotions, feelings, and such in the past week. some people would take that as an excellent opportunity to express what they are feeling in words, perhaps to try to work through any persistent or nagging issues. yet, when my mind gets crammed with all sorts of consuming thoughts, it's like it just shuts down. often i just wanna sleep a lot to get my mind off of things (which is never good when you have an extremely busy schedule and lots of work to be done).

if not asleep, i usually choose one of 2 extremes: i either become like a hermit, shutting myself in my room and only coming out when necessary, or i will have to surround myself with lots of people to laugh and joke my cares away. (i swear this blog has a point that i wanna talk about, just bare with me while i vent). so yes, that's just how i've been feeling lately. i can think of a few reasons why, but no need to elaborate, not too important. i've also been watching the movie Camp a lot lately. such an excellent movie, really helps me take my mind off petty and unnecessary shit.

i made a painting called "release" 2 years ago. it was a guy (me?) standing in a field with the sun rising/setting in the background (depending on your interpretation) with arms outstretched and all of the stars pouring out of his mouth into the dark sky. sometimes i wish it were that easy. to just throw your head back, throw your arms out wide and just release all the pent up energy/stress/tension/regret/anxiety/etc. one might be harboring. i suppose there are other ways of finding ways to release these negative energies. getting involved in activites, busying the mind or either just relaxing are 2 completely opposite ways, yet some might find one more useful than the other. i suppose i like to try and incorporate a bit of both in my life.

maybe i'll find my way out to the Green one night and just scream all my problems away...i just hope S&S won't be near....
no sense wallowing in the negative. i'm going to try to focus myself toward the future. but then , that would suppose that i know how to live in the present. i guess we have to pick what we value most about the past, seize in the present, and prepare/equip ourselves for the future.

to quote my new favorite movie, the wonderful CAMP, "frustration is a useless emotion. if you see something you want, you just have to go for it. it's better to regret something you have done than something you haven't done."

can i get an amen kiddies?

"That's So Gay"

2005-04-24T22:25:00.000-07:00

"That's so gay!" "Dude, why are you so gay?" "That is the gayest thing I have ever heard."

why are these awefully sexist and homophobic phrases so popular in our contemporary vernacular? why do people not understand that these statements are horribly offensive. people can use the word "gay" in very discouraging ways to have extermely negative connotations. for example, a person was using my apple computer to decide if he would be interested in purchasing one. he was playing with windows media player and said "that is so gay." i know for sure he didn't mean that windows media player has sexual intercourse with other media players of the same gender.

it's remarks like these that perpetuate the negativity and stigma attached to the word "gay." when it's continually used as a negative adjective, then homosexuality will continue to be viewed as something wrong, something disturbing, something without worth or merit.

the only thing that will counter this sort of prejudice and hatred is to stop people when they makes these comments. stop them and tell them that what they are saying is wrong, mean spirited, and offensive. also, stop using comments like these yourself. if you have known yourself to say things like these, please take a moment and think about it. you cannot expect hate and prejudice to end if you dont stop perpetuating it yourself.

the revolution toward human equality, civil rights, and an end to hate will march on. be sure to do your part and peace will arrive one day. it will come striding in on the backs of those people who have worked so passionately, diligently, patiently, and tirelessly to further the movement and be agents of tolerance and progression. these are my heros. i will do my best to live in their example, and so should you.

passionately, and a bit disgustedly yours, kiddies.

Spring's in Bloom

2005-04-06T14:45:00.000-07:00

Y'ever notice how absolutely amazing the change of a season is? especiall from winter to spring. that is the most glorious and satisfying change of all the seasons- from cold and stale to fresh and new.

i just recently began to notice how drastically the weather effects my mood. on a beautiful, warm, sunny day, i am happy, i feel productive, i feel apt to get up, get out, and enjoy the day. i smile more. i try to brighten others' days since the sun is obviously shining on me.

so how do i transpose a bit of spring into every day of my life? how do i capture the spark of delight and cheerfulness spring brings on those gloomy days? seems like my life is being rained on fairly heavily right now. things arent going right in many ways, i can't seem to get out from under this dark cloud. however, i can't completely complain. many things are going right. i am so damn busy and involved in so many things right now. and when i'm busy, i'm happy. yet, there is still something unfulfilled in my life. and, i can't exactly pin-point it.

i'm going to try something new. i'm not going to do anything about it. i am going to sit back, proceed with my daily routine and wait for whatever it is that has yet to come to find me. i have the sense that something big is coming, and good things come to those who wait. so, hopefully with the change of a bitter season into spring, a time of growth and rebirth, my life will grow. i will grow. something new and exciting will blossom. perhaps it's just a faint hope just like my hope that the sun will show it's face in the morning. but, some things you just sense.

it's like i have a fifth sense. my boobs can always tell when it's raining. oh mean girls, i love you so.

You are the sunshine of my life kiddies!

Apparently the Cool Thing to Do...

2005-04-06T03:15:00.000-07:00

TEN Random Things About Me
10. i have 2 loveable mutt doggies. Duke and Petey.
9. i have a herniated disc in my lumbar pinching a nerve that runs from my spine, down my left leg, and into my little toe
8. i am related to Thurgood Marshall [1st black justice on supreme court and lawyer in Brown v. Board (1954)]
7. my entire family lives in Baltimore.
6. i got my first lead in a play as a freshman in highschool. i played Pseudolus in "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum"
5. i am an only child.
4. i like boys and girls. i am a summer camp counsellor.
3. i was born on 11/11, 11 days late, at 9:11. and, i have 11 letters in my first name.
2. i started acting when i was 8
1. i love the nightlife. i love to boogie.

NINE Places I've Visited
9. Orlando, FL (Disney World)
8. Myrtle Beach, SC
7. Manchester Airport in NH
6. Columbus, OH
5. Cape May, NJ
4. York Minister Cathedral in York, England
3. my grandmother's house in Baltimore
2. New York, New York (where my hustlers?)
1. Shakespeare's Globe in London in an acting workshop

EIGHT Things I Wanna Do Before I Die
8. be on Whose Line is it Anyway
7. be on SNL
6. star in my own primetime network sitcom
5. host a late-night talk show
4. star in movies
3. write a book about my life
2. become famous
1. LIVE

SEVEN Ways To Win My Heart
7. notice the little details
6. look me in the eyes and sincerely tell me you like/love me
5. look past superficial details
4. honesty (leads to respect)
3. have a great sense of humor
2. know how to party/have fun
1. sing me a love song (my heart will melt!)

SIX Things I Believe In
6. GOD
5. civil rights/gay rights/womens' rights/political activism
4. individualty/ uniqueness
3. positivity
2. equality
1. love

FIVE Things I'm Afraid Of
5. not being accepted
4. war
3. rejection
2. tomorrow is not promised today
1. the death of a loved one

FOUR Of My Favorite Items in My Dorm
4. my computer
3. my bed!!!
2. my wardrobe
1. pictures of my family

THREE Things I Do Everyday
3. laugh or be laughed at by my friends
2. thank God for my mom
1. wonder why...

TWO Things I Am Trying Not To Do Right Now
2. a paper
1. think about my insecurities and how stupid they are

ONE Person I Want To See Right Now
1. my dad (1950-2003) love you.

That was fun! You may learn something about me!

Whatchu talkin' bout kiddies!?

Operation Freshman Winter: Complete!

2005-04-05T20:45:00.000-07:00

Well, it's over. for better or worse, my first winter term at Dartmouth is finally over. this term was quite interesting to say the least, and i feel i will leave it behind with a mix of reactions and emotions.

so, i figured to close out Winter '05, i'd take a look back at some of my best moments of the term (in no particular order):

-Winter Carnival! (it came at just the right time. a much needed boost of spirits. and i also consumed many spirits!)

-Being honest with myself and friends (nuff said.)

-My friend Lucy visiting from BC (a.k.a my facebook wife. i love you darling.)

-Gospel Concert (holla! got Jesus?)

-Admissions: Becoming a Tour Guide/ Dimensions Show (i am gettin all up and in admissions' business)

-Dorothy Allison's speech (amazing. powerful, passionate, and eloquent queer voice!!)

-Dog Day Formal (a drunk, non-spanish speaking date and passing out on my knees is always fun)

-10-Minute Play Festival (finally got some scripted acting out of my system. more to follow soon!)

- Dog Day final show (hotness. good crowd. good show)

-Meeting new people (4th flo McLizzle, BiG crew a.k.a "the family", etc.)

Spring Term has started. I'm gonna set it off right!

Soon diving back into the thoughts burried in my head, bon soir kiddies!

In Memoriam: Blanche B. Bell (1915-2005)

2005-03-07T04:30:00.000-08:00

Early last Sunday morning, my great-aunt, Blanche Beverly Bell, passed away. She was the last of 7 Beverly children to survive, her younger brother having passed in late December. She was very much a grandmother to me. When my father's mother, Blanche's younger sister, died when he was only 13, she took him in and became like a mother to him, more than an aunt. Since she had no children of her own, and my father was left without his mother, the two naturally needed each other.

She had such a strong influence on my father, that I had no choice but to be affected greatly by this amazing woman as well. She was "Beverly" true and true: generous, altruistic, intelligent, persistant, stubborn, strong-minded, and extremely close to her family. She really loved children. She loved caring for them. She loved seeing that they always got what they needed. She particularly believed strongly in the education of children and served as a teacher and librarian in the Baltimore City Public School System for over 40 years. Thus, she always wanted me to get the most out of my own education, and I have vowed to never let her down in this respect.

She was one of the most generous and un-selfish people I have known in my lifetime. She is a true role model in every sense of the word. Anything you could every want that she had to offer she would give without hesitation. My great-aunt, my "grandmother," Blanche Bell, will truly be missed. The only way I can sufficiently honor her is to keep her memory alive in my heart, to live as she did, and teach my children about this amazing person. Though the last in a series of familial "giants" has fallen, thier generation will never be forgotten. Now my father can meet his real mother and the one who took him in and cared for him 40 years again in Heaven.

Much Love Always. Be at Peace.

I Wonder...

2005-03-03T11:15:00.000-08:00

You know what would be awesome? an attractometer! yes, that's right, an attractometer. what this super-duper little thing would do is guage the levels of attraction others have toward you. it has sorta like a cell phone signal. you point the attractometer at someone, and you get a rating of how attracted they are to you (5 bars being strongest). beat that verizon!

one day, one day. as rediculous as it sounds, how awesome would that be!? you wouldn't ever have to waste time and energy wondering...you'd know! you could save yourself the embarassment and frustration of rejection. not that rejection should be embarassing or frustrating, but let's be honest: it is!

oh the things (& people) i'd do if i had an attractometer....honestly! i would actually initiate contact. i'm serious. stop laughing, i would! alright, whatever you say. i'm gonna put the initial phases of the attractometer into progress, and when it's done, don't ask for a freebie. you and the rest of the eager masses will just have to wait in enormously long lines to buy one. and none of you better steal my idea, either. i know what i'll do: ©Attractometer!. that oughta do it. or ATTRACT-o-METER!™.

you may laugh now, but you'll see. i'll be gettin all the booty i can handle, and you, sir/madame, will be jealous!

Konnichi wa, bitches (kiddies)! :-D

D Watch!

2005-02-22T12:45:00.000-08:00

Sup, y'all. I have fallen off big time. last week was probably my busiest wek of the term. this week, however, i can devote time to writting and having important things to say.

it's recently been buzzing around a concerned minority base on campus that "the Dartmouth," America's oldest college newspaper has been misrepresenting, disrespecting, and alienating a specific population of the Dartmouth community.

the D has falsely tried to pit african americans and the LGBTQA community against each other over the MLK, Jr. Celebrations. this is because the D wished to create a non-existant controvesy to gain more readers. scandal apparently makes better news than the truth. 2 keynote speakers in the MLK Celebrations were lesbian women, one a southern white and the other a black and native american activist.

to read further, check out my link to "D Watch." The outrage and real scandal of the atrocities committed by the D can be explained much more eloquently there. it is really interesting and worth reading, i promise!

holla back, kiddies!

Love Is In the Air!

2005-02-11T03:45:00.000-08:00

Don't forget: Valentine's Day is Monday!!!

to recap the 10 steps to a perfect evening:

1. Start Eary...get on that!!!
2. Brainstorm romantic ideas to personalize the expereince.
3. Make a "love song" playlist/CD.
4. Make contact through a poem or note.
5. Pique their interest with flowers or candy.
6. Enlist an a cappella group to serenade your valentine.
7. Get help from friends and roomates to occupy their time while you work your romantic magic behind the scenes.
8. Clear the room of roomates.
9. Decorate the space intimately.
10. Enjoy the night....don't get too frisky!

Let's get it on, kiddies!

Restless in Hanover

2005-02-11T03:30:00.000-08:00

Lately i've been restless, agitated, and uneasy. i'm not exactly sure the cause. it's like i'm constantly looking for something to happen, something big and exciting, something to knock me off of my feet and send me reeling into excitement and adventure. i suppose this is me still living from one brief stint of experience to the next.

i rely too much on planning and organization, i suppose. i like to have all of my affairs in order. i like to know what i'm doing in advance and plan out a list of activities, maintaining some semblance of a schedule. i do recognize the value of spontenaiety and living for the moment, but i feel naked without at least a guideline. i feel as though, if i go out at night without a plan mapped out in my head, that things won't work out as well. i won't have as much fun. if i don't know the sequence of places or frats to go to, then too much time will be wasted with indicision. and, anyone who knows me knows that i am one of the most indicisive people alive. i'm one who likes to maximize his fun/hang out time. it's so short and so anticipated that if i don't make the most of it, the work week will be back in full swing before i know it without a nice, fun interlude.

and, i've been so restless partly because i haven't been able to find order. i feel like i'm drowning in a pool of chaos. nothing seems to take shape lately. i just cant seem to find any sort of balance between sanity and helplessness. i've just been so alone. it seems like no one can understand me. it seems like no one will come to my rescue. it's senior year all over again. i came here to get away from that...far, far away from that. i came to college, and in only a term and a couple weeks, i am such a happier person. my friends from home even noticed a difference. i've never been more myself (if that makes sense), and i've never had this kind of prolonged peace and time alone with myself. sure, there are people here who i adore and consider very good friends. but, in freshman year at the D, i've really had time to just be alone and reflect. lately, ALL i've been doing is reflecting alone. i've been able to cope with some of my issues and make peace with a difficult inner conflict.

in doing so, i hopefully with be able to pull things back together and move on. i'm ready to get back out there and tear up campus. this weekend, Dartmouth's famed Winter Carnival, is a perfect opportunity to let loose and wild out on campus. Dartmouth won't know what happened to it once i'm done. thank GoD for DANCE PARTIES!!!! life is too short to waste depressed and lonely. i'm gonna get out there, get with some great people, get...um...tipsy...and dance the night away.

see you all on brighter days, kiddies!

Happy Now??

2005-02-07T13:30:00.000-08:00

I must say, i was totally prepared to launch into this entire long, whining blog about how my life is depressing, the truly amazing moments are few and far between, etc....but, i just realized how fickle the mind is. after all my feelings of "golly, gee, shucks, wow. life sucks," as dead set on those feelings as i was, i turned on the tv and my entire attitude changed. i turned instinctively to comedy central to cheer me up, and i was not disappointed. who better to brighten my mood than classic Richard Pryor. good Lord, genius! i went from being "the sadest kid on earth" to laughing hysterically.

why is it that human emotions and moods are so easily swayed and affected? it made me wonder what a natural mood really is (i.e what is a natural state?). is it indifference? is it depression? do we merely live from one brief expereince of "happiness" or fulfilment to the next? and what exactly is happiness? it, i suppose, would be defined most elementarily as induced pleasure or satisfaction. but, happiness, to me, varies greatly on an individual basis. that which makes me happy is not necessarily what makes you happy. what am i left with after my "happiness" is over...anticipation for the next happy experience?

conservative catholic theologian Michael Novak would argue that i am currently descending into "the expereince of nothingness." the expereince of nothingness is essentially when individuals challenge or question the values or ideals which they are taught to uphold by their culture or society. in doing so, they seek to establish their own set of values for themselves. one of the things fed to us by our culture, he asserts, is what we use to define our happiness. the American dream of 2 cars, a nice suburban home, with 2.5 kids and a dog is one sort of happiness we are all taught to pursue. many define their happiness and success by material things. i, however, define my happiness by my freedom to let myself go.

only lately have i felt able to let go: let go of inhibitions, fear, self-consciousness, self-doubt, etc., and i realize how much better i feel once i've shed all those things weighing me down. life is way too short to waste feeling sorry for myself and bad about who i am. the only times i've noticed when i'm happy lately is when i get some confidence (some, balls if you will) and the courage to express a side that people don't normally see of me. i've spent so long trying to hide or shield certain parts of my life from the world, that moments of liberation are what i live for. these sparks of freedom truly make me happy.

the happiness component of liberation, however, only comes after a crescendo of mixed emotions. it seems like i run the gauntlet of emotions before i finally settle on happiness. there's a build up of worry and anxiety, followed by a spark of triumph, then brief regret, followed finally by realizing that what i did made me happy, and that i have nothing to regret at all.

it's been hard sorting through all of my thoughts and emotions, but i have faith that everything will turn out alright. the negative will be weeded out of my life, and the good will prevail in the end. negative influences and forces are easily conquered with the right attitude and amazing people surrounding you...or that's just what i think. before i end, i have a confession: i am an optimist. hate me or love me, it's part of who i am. if you choose to hate me for it, you're missing out on a whole lot more of me that i'm confident you wouldnt want to miss!

Adieu kiddies!

Collegiate Romantics

2005-02-02T16:00:00.000-08:00

With Valentine's Day quickly approaching, for you out there with lovers, bf/gf's, random hook partners, snuggle bunnies, silly geese, or whatever you want to call your intimate partner, i figured i'd cook up some ways to make the 14th special and memorable for the both of you. of course, i know this is hypocritical considering i don't have much of a love life, nor does it look like i'll have one anytime soon...(sigh)...i can still be romantic. well, i can still have a very romantic mind and have the sense to know what is actually romantic.

just follow my instructions and you are guaranteed an amazing day/night!! so, here are "CJo's 10 Steps to Romance at College":

1. Start Early. the key to preparing for a romantic occasion is starting in advance of the actual date. my suggestion is to start at least 3 days before your special occasion. start with small hints or clues and work you way up to the big shabang. you must be thorough in your planning, or the night won't have the effect you desire. start making reservations, purchasing gifts, etc. as soon as possible.

2. Brainstorm. think up a list of things that your significant other/object of affection loves. personalization is what makes any occasion special. if you know and have a list handy of things which are guaranteed to make them swoon/shed their clothes (who are we kidding, we all want sex), it will make your planning easier. make sure to customize the event with all the personal touches that he/she will adore.

3. Love Songs. compile a playlist (and perhaps burn onto a CD) of the ultimate love songs. now, there is much liberty you can take in assembling this list of songs. everyone's musical tastes are different. just make sure the songs are special to that certain someone. hard, heavy rock could float their boat. showtunes could tickle their fancy. i'm not saying make a list of party songs, but nice, easy romantic songs which will progress the evening along nicely are the key. this involves arranging the playlist in such a way that starts off with a certain mood and progresses (slowly, but steadily) toward another (if you catch my drift). **if you desire, i could give some suggested songs i find irresistable. just ask in a comment**

4. Initial Contact. do something on the 1st day of the 3 day program like send a poem or a love note to their college mailbox. this will catch them off-guard, first of all, to find a note/poem in their mailbox. this will spark their interest as well. case 1: if you're in a relationship, do not let on that you know about the gift. make the note/peom as anonymous as possible. act as if nothing is out of the ordinary. case 2: your job is easy...just send the letter anonymously from a "secret admirer."

5. Pique Interest. on the 2nd day, do something like leave flowers or candy or some token gift that they will enjoy outside of their dorm room door with an ambiguous note attached (even if they know the giver, you'd be "cute" this way). leave it early enough in the morning that it will be an unexpected surprise, and so that they get it when they first open the door. make sure you address it. we wouldn't want a jealous roomate trying to claim it! i'll save what to do on the 3rd and final day for later in the list!

6. Love Songs: Part Deux. if you really want to put some icing on this love-cake, enlist an a cappella group to serenade your funny valentine during the day before your special evening. dependin on whether or not you have a friend in that group, you may want to offer them money to do it. offer, but do it in a way that they'll be sure to offer service free of charge. approach someone nice in the group and propose the idea. coordinate where the singers should meet your date with a song. you may need a friend to help position the date in a certain location at a certain time.

7. Help! help is always needed. you cannot pull off a really special evening alone! get the help of his/her friend to occupy their time while you pull off the intricate set-up for the big evening. the set up should be done on the day of the event. just ask one of your common friends or one of her/his friends to distract them while you work your magic behind the scenes. they'll never see it coming!

8. Clear Space. this is key!!!!! be polite, but you need to ask their roomate (if they have one) to leave the room for a few hours. i don't propose you kick them out for the night, but ask nicely if you may have the space between 7 and 10 p.m. or so (however long they're willing to stay out). be very careful how you go about this. be sure to ask nicely, or it can lead to sore feelings and strained relationships.

9. Decorate. blanket the room with candles (though illegal, be careful..because they are pretty!), set up music, have a special, comized/personalized gift waiting. you should also have flowers and and a meal of his/her favorite foods waiting. do some take out from a nice restaurant (doesn't have to be the most expensive), but transfer the dishes to some nicer containers. you should have thought of the perfect food in step #3! set it up so that the space is dimly lit, though well decorated and intimate.

10. Enjoy the Company. last, but never least, enjoy the night! if you have pulled off the set up, and the mood is right, then the evening should fly without a hitch. add the prepared soundtrack to your night, and let things progress naturally. he/she will be putty in your hands. make sure to compliment them often on thier appearance and how much you truly care for them. say it, and mean it! be polite, be kind, be caring, be responsible.

Have fun* kiddies!!

*no glove, no love!

Allow Me to Express Myself

2005-01-27T18:10:00.000-08:00

How exactly does one go about expressing oneself? is there a standard formula, and i just missed that lecture. because, i thought that one should not feel obligated to fulfil a role projected onto them by friends/society/culture/family/etc. i thought that one should be able to feel comfortable with whoever they are, despite outside influence or pressure. i thought that stereotypes weren't always a good thing. i mean, i realize that stereotypes arise for a reason, as in ther might be some truth to some of them. but, that does not mean that everyone encompassed within a particular demographic is/acts the same way. i thought that people are all unique. everyone has different personalities, traits, characteristics, talents, abilities, feelings, thoughts, etc.

you know what i'm tired of? being asked to conform. why should i? why should i sacrifice my true self just to fulfill a role "predetermined" for me by some greater force? franlky, i refuse. i won't do it any more. i want to feel comfortable with who i am, doing whatever i want to do when i want to do it, wearing what i want to wear, saying what i want to say, and doing all of that how i want to do it. i find it so sad that many conform just to "fit in." social pressure can be a nasty beast™. i, myself, am guilty of it. and, everytime i think of how i sacrificed my comfort or true self just to please others, i get depressed. i truly do.

why can't i just be me without being labeled? if i am not perpetuating the stereotype of one demographic, then i'm obviously the opposite (i.e if not black, then white). once again, in the spirit of self-improvement, i WILL be myself. i will NOT compromise who i am any longer. if someone does not like that, too bad. if someone does not like me for me, then screw them. i know this may sound harsh, but it's the way things need to be. it shouldn't be harsh at all, because we should ALL be accepting and embrace the differences and uniqueness of others. period. yet, this is not the way the world works. there are many assholes out there. if you are angry at what i'm writing, then you probably are one. if you agree with me, we are cool. let's be friends.

i find it appropriate to end with a quote by one of Dartmouth's most famous alumni: Dr. Seuss. He said so simply, yet so eloquently, "Be who you are and say what you feel because the people who mind don't matter and the people who matter don't mind."

take care of yourselves, kiddies!

Bubble Boy

2005-01-26T21:00:00.000-08:00

Besides being a rediculous movie, i've found the term "bubble boy" to have some personal application. that is to say, i suppose i am a bubble boy. i live in a bubble. i have a clearly defined comfort zone which i don't often like to leave or have penetrated. we all have our bubbles to a certain extent, though the degree to which we can all survive outside of our bubbles of comfort varies greatly.

some people have their comfort zones which merely serve as rest stops between trying all sorts of new activities and expereinces. these people frequently enjoy the thrill of "testing the waters," so to speak, of new endeavors which may be, in turn, taken up as a new hobby or regular occurance. others choose to stay within their realm of comfort for a variety of reasons. some could just be satisfied with their established routine, as they may have found a formula for life that seems to work. why go fixing something if it isn't borken? others could be scared of the unfamiliar elements and potential pitfalls which exist outside of their bubbles and prefer to stick to what they know as a result.

i suppose i encompass a bit of both reasons why i like to stay in my bubble of comfort. i have a nice routine in my life which works. i seem reasonably satisfied with life, and hardly any major tragedy rolls my way. why would i ever want to leave? frankly...it gets boring. no one wants to lead a life of monotony. we (humans-i assume we are all humans here) all somewhere, even if burried really deeply, have an inate desire for adventure. maybe it's a lingering child-like spirit or just an active imagination, but we all thrive on fun and excitement. many do all that they can to avoid a stagnant routine.

so, im the spirit of self-improvement in the new year, i will leave my comfort zone more often. yes, it is a scary place outside of what i know, but i'm willing to take some chances. only through taking chances can we know what new thing or experience we may fall in love with, or maybe even detest. but at least i will have tried. if not, i can always speculate on what would have happened if i did something out of my ordinary, but i most likely would only feel regret. regret is a terrible feeling. i don't like it. it's nasty. and ugly. and has a small penis. (ha, take that, regret!)

moral of the story is...(drum roll) TAKE CHANCES/TRY NEW THINGS. you may find your new favorite hobby. you may find the love of your life. you may make the team. you may get the lead in the play. you may find a new major. you may end up living there for the rest of your life. you may challenge all that you previously believed in or held true. you may fall on your ass. but, just get up, dust yourself off, and try something else. make the uncertain certain.

Till we meet again kiddies!

Easy To Bake, Hard To Swallow

2005-01-22T12:05:00.000-08:00

Here's a bit of an essay i wrote recently (cause i'm too lazy, busy, and un-inspired to write anything new). the assignement was to write about a personal experience in which i was either affected by gender or war. i chose to write about gender:

Christmas embodies a time of joy, excitement, and as much as Christians surrendered to the secularization of the holiday refuse to admit, a time for presents under the decorated Douglas fir. The Christmas season, for many, also represents a time of innocence and wonder, surrounded by an aura of magic and enchantment. For one young boy, particularly naïve and spellbound by the advent of Christmas each year, the season meant that Santa Claus would come to town, provided he exemplifies good behavior throughout the year (or at least a month before the December 24th deadline). Every Christmas morning at 7 a.m., after a night of feigning sleep, I would race down the creaking, brown, carpeted stairs, half blinded by fatigue, to see the presents sprawling across the living room floor. Boxes containing clothing and toys fanned out from under the illuminated eight-foot pine in the far right corner of the room. Santa had selflessly bestowed his benevolence on me under the cloak of night. Yet, once again, one gift from my “wish-list” remained absent.

I had seen the commercial dozens of times: the grinning children, two girls and one boy, stuffing miniature freshly baked goods into their faces. The Easy Bake Oven appeared on my Christmas wish list to Santa every year from ages 7 until 10; yet, it never arrived under my Christmas tree. The cakes and cookies and cupcakes prepared by these children, my peers for goodness sake, made me want to reach through the television screen and snatch one. These smiling, selfish brats would remove the cakes from the oven after only minutes of preparation. Their expressions revealed a menacing delight in their accomplishment, almost as if to boast of their treasure and my misfortune as the envious spectator. They proceeded to slather the goods with creamy chocolate frosting and a light dusting of rainbow sprinkles. These three kids devoured those cakes as if their last meal ever to be consumed.

My Christmases, nonetheless, always brimmed with a bounty of joy and family merriment. Santa would always go above and beyond the reasonable amount of gifts for any child. Nonetheless, I always wondered why Santa would never bring me this one simple appliance able to bake a personal pastry in mere minutes. I mean, it had only appeared on my list for four consecutive years. I first thought that only one aspect of my behavior had faltered and prevented Santa from ever gracing me with this present. When my mother finally explained to me that she acted as the “Santa” who bought me so many gifts for all the years of my childhood, I responded rudely, “Thank you. Wait, why didn’t you ever get me an Easy Bake Oven?” Ungratefully, I felt disappointed and betrayed that my own mother overlooked the one gift I truly wanted for so many years. I would not have minded as much if, in fact, strange portly fellow in a red suit had neglected my wish. My mother explained that an Easy Bake Oven “is a girl’s toy.”

“A girl’s toy?” Only girls can bake delicious cakes in just a matter of minutes? A boy certainly appeared in the commercial, grinning from ear to ear as he chomped into a moist cupcake. My eyes nearly pooled with tears. My gender had prevented me from enjoying the thrill of making my own desserts with whipped frosting and a festive array of sprinkles. I thought any child should be able to enjoy cakes and other treats, regardless of gender. What importance does gender serve in baking, as long as the desserts equally delight the palate?

I have since forgiven my mother considering her tireless efforts to provide me with the best possible childhood and Christmases every year. Also, having purchased my khakis and jeans in the “husky” section of the children’s department of clothing stores, a section tucked into the corner as if to stash the heavier youngsters out of the view of valued customers, I certainly did not need any more fattening pastries in my diet. Just the thought that my gender, however, made me miss a chance to operate my own personal bakery helped me see the roles children assume from an early age at the urging of society. Since my discovery of the Santa fraud, I have vowed to bake a cake and cookies every Christmas Eve only now using a conventional oven.

Uninspiredly yours, kiddies.

Manly Men

2005-01-19T20:30:00.000-08:00

Another day, another moment to ponder the world.

Yesterday, I was required to read this speech delivered by a Dartmouth Alum named Leonard L. Glass called the "Dartmouth Animal and the Hypermasculine Myth." He basically talked about the days of Dartmouth in the 60s when he was a student. This was a time when Dartmouth was still single sex and held fastly true to the image of life portrayed in the classic college movie Animal House. He described a time when the men of Dartmouth would go above and beyond to upkeep their masculine images. Anything contrary was regarded with skepticism. The worst thing you could have done to yourself back then was be caught acting "effeminately" or "homosexually." As a man of Dartmouth you had to constantly prove you manhood and virility, acting in an extreme fashion which Glass terms "hypermasculinity." He stated, "At Dartmouth the guys are tough, virile, and unbelieveably horny, barely contained until their infrequent orgiastic encounters with women...yet had very little opportunity for heterosexual interaction."

I found Leonard Glass's speech to ring forth much of the truth about society today as was true of society 40 years ago. The Dartmouth animal is alive. He may have decreased in size, but he exists. This Dartmouth animal is merely the child of an animal roaming the entire world, not just the hills of New Hampshire.

I attended an all male private high school in Baltimore, MD where I suppose the "Gilman" (my school) animal roamed campus. Homophobia and subtle subscription to stereotypes were rampant. Anything against the norm of virility was deemed "gay." For example, if there was a speech or lecture which wasn't particularly interesting or important, a student may call the speech gay. I would often ask, point blank, if they indeed meant that the speech or lecture preferred sexual intercourse with speeches or lectures of the same gender. I would usually get a weird look or an awkward laugh, but inside i would smile at my personal triumph, at least in my own mind. Too often I have seen men suppress their "feminine" emotions and inclinations for fear of being stigmatized.

Thankfully, at Dartmouth, this beast is relatively subdued. I have not witnessed any firsthand discrimination against "feminine" men or homosexuals. That is not to say it doesn't exist. I hear the football teammates of my own roommate often refer to non-reproductive objects and concepts as "gay." I often wonder what is so terrifying to men to embrace their "feminine" and "masculine" qualities together. Why is there such shame and disgrace associated with being gay? I admire the courageous individuals who, gay or straight, are not afraid to express themselves despite the urgings toward the "norms" of society. So many hide themselves out of fear or shame projected onto them. They are angry at the way they are. As Glass stated, it's "far more acceptable to be 'pissed off' than tearful or confused."

I only pray that we may all find the courage to be ourselves, even if that defies the traditional conventions of gender or any other other so-called "defining" quality. May the beast of hypermasculinity die out with a generation of courageous peoples prepared to fight againt the cost of being shamed, abused, or ostracized.

Attempting to tame the Dartmouth Animal, Unitedly yours kiddies!

Where Do We Go From Here

2005-01-18T23:25:00.000-08:00

Sorry y'all about falling off this weekend. i had a super, super busy weekend and didn't even have a minute of time to write anything. sorry to those of you devoted fans who i promised that i would make this a daily thing. i will try my best to get caught up this weekend, or at least post something each day.

so yeah. i had a nice weekend to relax and reflect....well, be busy as hell and squeeze in a little time for reflection is more like it. i mostly thought about MLK and the persisting struggle for civil rights in America. i thought about black people. i thought about where we stand as a race. are we united? are we divided? are we standing strong? have we fallen? are we falling? i also thought about other minority groups in America. i thought about the state of justice and equality in this country. i don't necessarily mean legal or social equality, but the equality of different people in the mind. certainly prejudices and hatred still exist and persist, but what will it take for everyone to truly believe that all people are created equal? i came to several conclusions and thought about the plight of minorites (particularly blacks) in our nation.

the african american people are extremely divided. if we arent pursuing the american dream we are taught to idealize in our society, the one of a suburban home with a white picket fence and 3 cars and 2.5 children, then many of us are stuck so far in the perpetuation of poverty and self-deprication that it will take many many years to rectify. much of this derives from the negative images projected upon us by stereotypes and racism. i suppose i am an optimist in the sense that i believe we can be equal one day. though, i am a pessimist in the sense that i believe it will take a very very long time. we have come very far, but we have a long way to go. yet, we get caught up in the notion that material possesions are the measure of success and worth. that accounts for much of theft and other violent crime. what we cannot have, we take. it's a natural instinct. what many feel they must have to have worth they will take from others because there seems no other option. we are naturally set up to fail in a system which perpetuates our repression and idealizes material success.

to quote whitney houston, i believe that children are the future; teach them well and let them lead the way. as my mother works with the Baltimore City Public School System, i hear first had stories about the nature of children stuck in "ghettos" as well as in the mindset that life has no true value or purpose. it all starts at home with motivation. many parents fail to positively motivate their children to succeed and pursue successful lives. also, many inner-city children are depressed by the notion that life doesnt last past ae 30. they are the product of a society which finds them doomed to fail before their lives even really begin. so where's the motivation to waste your time in school, if you arent going to live past 30 anyway? the only images of success many youths are shown are the select few who make either through music entertainment or sports. many place all of their hopes and dreams on making it big as a sports star ot rapper that they fail to see their full potential or talents in other areas.

i know this assessment may seem bleak, but it's a start into diving into my true feelins on these very tough issues to analyze. i am not a social scientist. i am not an expert on race relations in america, but i just wanted to express some of my thoughts. please respond, and we can discuss any of your own feelings on the topic. hopefully, i will follow up with more on this topic.

Tardily yours, kiddies!

A Reluctant Insomniac

2005-01-13T10:05:00.000-08:00

What is it about mornings? there's such a mental conflict for the insomniac concerning the morning. there are those of us who live by night, wishing only to sleep the morning away. others subsist by the proverb, "early to bed, early to rise." the morning is such a strange time of day for the insomniac. the morning is the dawning of a new day, a rebirth of the world. yet, the night time is when the insomniac finds his rebirth.

the morning can engender such a peculiar sensation for the sleepless and weary. fatigue can trigger all sorts of emotions and mixed feelings, that the sunrise can seem overwhelming. insomnia seems frustrating. it can make you feel lonely and sad, yet empowered: just a strange amalgam of complimentary and contradictory sensations. it's really quite hard to describe. you can only know the feeling if you've been there.

yet, whenever i make it through the night, fully awake to see the sunrise, the dawning of a new world, i stop and watch in silence. the sun emerging from it's cloak of night is such a powerful image. it's so remarkably beautiful. as much of the world sleeps through it, you get the sensation that you are being shown something special. you are taking part in an experience designed only for you, meant only for your eyes.

the sunrise can be such a selfish time for me. i want it all to myself. i want to treasure it, keep it, because who knows when i'll see my next. i usually spend so much time trying to slumber through the mornings, that when given the chance to welcome the new day, i really take the time to appreciate them for all their worth and glory.

inherently a night owl, i feel as though i am a rebel against conventions of time. insomnia allows me to see things that others who sleep regularly arent able to see. this can be both a blessing and a curse. while my body and mental capacity struggle to find energy from a depleted source, my mind is thoroughly enthralled by the mysteries of the night. i've always been like this, even since i was a kid. the night seemed so tempting. i can't describe how contented i was just to watch a rediculous movie on tv able only to be shown at night. i suppose the people at television networks assume that only the weary and forlorn can appreciate these cinematic anomalies.

the world never ceases to amaze me. the harder i resist insomnia, the more it develops into routine. thus, while given the chance, i take a look at the world contained within a day and appreciate the entirety of it, sunrise to sunrise. though, at the intersection of a new dawn and the closing of night, a sunrise can only be treasured in silence.

Until I wake, good-day & goodnight, kiddies!

Wrong Impressions

2005-01-12T23:12:00.000-08:00

Woah, 2 blogs in one day!!! (technically 3). carazzy. i promiss this won't be as long as the last one. in general i'll try to cut down on length, cause i feel these take entirely too long to read. what can i say, i have a lot on my mind.

i just wanted to say that i've been really hard on myself lately in these previous blogs. people who don't really know me reading this are probably like, what a depressing loser.

i feel i need to clarify. and to clarify, i have to ask you to allow me this one time to boast about myself. i promise it won't happen again! i am a FUN guy. at least i try to be. i'm one of those people who likes to make "witty" comments at opportune times in conversations. i thrive much better in large group situations. for some reason i just feel more comfortable and am able to entertain larger crowds.
i regret to say this, but i'm kind of an attention hog. i love to be in the spotlight. i suppose that's why i love to act. so, i love for everyone to focus on me and laugh at my antics. i really can get pretty crazy sometimes. no conversation topic is off limits to me, and i suppose i'm rather graphic sometimes. sorry.

this is exactly why i hate to do this, because i sound like a jerk. i sound like everything i hate. but i just feel as though i may be giving some people the wrong impression.

honestly, those who know me will attest to all that i've said. these arent necessarily all my words. my close friends have psycho-analyzed me quite thoroughly.

i suppose people don't get to see this true me until they really get to know me. i am shy. no denying that. i'm workin on it, tho. but once you get to know me, i try to be as crazy and fun as possible. at times, i can also be outspoken. can't help it.

so, i hope people feel as though they have a better impression of the me that my close friends have. if any of you B-More peeps are reading, i hope you'll comment. i'm sure you all can give a much more accurate picture of me than i can. an outsider's opinion will be more honest anyway, tho i really am trying to be honest here. i don't brag about myself often, and if i do, it's in a joke. this was my one splurge. aight? cool.

Talk to you all tomorrow kiddies!

When A Black Man Turns Red

2005-01-12T14:40:00.000-08:00

How many times have you fallen flat on your ass and been so scarred by it that it causes a chain reaction of lingering self-doubt, self-consciousness, and insecurity far beyond any reasonable amount of time? and, i don't necessarily mean literally "fall on your ass," but rather a moment in your life where you, frankly, fucked up. it is true that one can "eff" up in a number of ways. you could have mispelled your name on the SATs, farted during a prostate exam, had an erection when called to go write on the chalk-board, gotten caught masturbating by your parents, found yourself awkwardly in the restroom of the opposite sex, etc. how exactly do humans cope with a natural human flaw: that "everyone makes mistakes."

some can merely shrug off embarassing moments, while others let them marinate into an unhealthy self deprecation. why is it that people are so hard on themselves, and each other, for something that comes so naturally like fucking up? we are designed to make mistakes. no man is perfect. when you see a person trip, can you honestly say you didn't laugh? if you trip, can you honestly say that the first thing you didn't do was look around to see if anyone noticed? no one wants to be caught in an embarassing situation, yet we find it so hilarious when misfortune happens at the expense of others.

it's why we can't help but laugh uproariously at blooper reels, america's funniest home videos, or the jerry springer show, for fuck's sake. we laugh because it isn't happeneing to us. perhaps the reason people laugh so hard is because it makes them feel superior. it makes them feel as if they are more infallible. we laugh, but if we found ourselves on national tv with a midget lover, interracial children, and a parent in the KKK, it wouldnt be such a droll situation. we never want to get caught in an embarassing or compromising situation because it proves that we do make mistakes, that we are fallible. hell, it proves that we are human! yet, we reject that. we all have this inadvertant (well maybe not as inadvertant for the vain of us) desire to be as perfect as possible.

that's bullshit. we all want to be perfect, but we can't be. that's why now, if i trip, i laugh it off. i say now with emphasis. now i have learned to deal with embarassment more easily than i used to. i still let self-consciousness consume me when i make a mistake, though in my elder years, i am able to let go of embarassment quicker.

i can still remember the day as clear as it was yesterday. it was gym class in elementary school, and my pencil-thin 5 year old figure stood confused, yet observant in the wooden gymnasium. i watched as the rest of my class enjoyed a soccer game. we were teamed boys against girls. i wasn't exactly a soccer fan and hadn't really played the game before. so, i stood and watched the black and white blur spin back and forth accross the waxed floor. thinking i had witnessed enough to give the game a try, i jumped into action. i didn't have to jump too far, the ball rolled right up to my feet. since it was boys versus girls, i looked for where to score. then, i spotted a boy standing in the goal, and since i was on the boy's team, this must be where the boys score. i started moving the ball with my feet, a very primitive "dribble," i suppose toward the goalie. i was amazed at the ease with which i was able to maneuver past defenders. the girls almost seemed to step aside and let me pass. they were laughing. boy were those girls laughing hard. we were having so much fun! i approached, wound up, and just before the boy goalie could complete "Nooooo," I ripped the ball past him and scored...for the girls team. the entire gym errupted into laughter. why? then, it hit me. i had scored for the girls team. oh, my god. i looked over at the gym teacher for an escape from the laughing children. all i got was a disappointed glance as he rolled his eyes in disgust. i went over to the corner, slunk down, and buried my head.

why do i remember this so vividly. this simple little embarassing mistake lingered with me, literally years after it was over. i'm sure no one else in that gym remember what happened. but i do. i was so hurt by the reaction of the kids and even the gym teacher, that bastard Mr. B. ever since, i have been quite self-conscious while learning a new sport. cause, when i mess up, i get the feeling like everyone will turn and laugh just like that day 14 years ago.

when one allows something so insignificant and human to eat one's confidence, one would almost go overboard to be perfect in every action you perform. this has been my life story. and, sucks for me because i'm about as far from perfect as possible. i think every thing through so far, weighing all possible negative outcomes that i often second guess myself and back out of doing things to avoid doing something wrong.

i know i'm pathetic. but i'm working on it. i'm much more confident now than ive ever been. a lot of my change took place through high school, a time when many would say are the most awkward social years of their lives. now that i'm at college, i feel ready to grow and complete my confidence building regimen.

so to you out there, please try not to hold on to embarassment, as painful as it might be. it only hurts you more in the long run. trust me, i know from experience. the soccer story is only one of many times in my life i have fucked up and suffered far longer than i should have. now, i just laugh it off. please, laugh it off. if others laugh, laugh with them, share in the experience. maybe they'll see that you are only human and that they are, too, imperfect. and when you see some one fall on their ass, help them up. laugh, but only if they laugh first!

till tomorrow, Holla Kiddies!

Work, Work, Work

2005-01-12T00:22:00.000-08:00

Today was nothing but work!

7:15- Alarm goes off to wake me up for drill.
7:25-Alarm goes off again as "snooze" has lost its effect.
7:28-Trip as I get out of bed cutting my toe on a suitcase and hitting my head on the wall...yes, roomates still sleep, pfew.
7:42-Run out of Mid Fayerweather to Dartmouth Hall.
7:45-I'm the 2nd person to enter the classroom.
7:50-The rest of the class shows up for the 7:45 drill...
7:52-I learn my drill Instructor is my age...so depressing.
7:53-8:35-My ego is redeemed as I am the only one in the class who responds perfectly every time and had quite a good accent.
8:40-8:55-Breakfast @ the HOP ( a nasty dried hash brown and Dartmouth College Spring Water, mmm).
9:00-9:50-French class. If it werent for the 1 or 2 cute people in there, I wouldn't have made it.
10:00-10:08-Secret dance party and sing-along in my room while roomates are out. (Song: Mario's "Let Me Love You")(I know)(I'm sorry)(but he is from Baltimore, whut!).
10:10-Plop down on the couch in Collis Student Center pull out french books and start doind homework..i know, i'm as shocked as you are.
10:19-Watch Laura who was suppose to meet me at 10:10 walk by me and not see me.
10:23-Watch Laura, now with food, walk by me and not see me. She is headed to the "Blitz" terminals.
10:24-Send Laura a blitz saying I'm on the couch next to the fireplace, you missed me.
10:27-Laura returns. Sits on one couch.
10:27:32-Laura moves to the other couch.
10:27:48-Laura complains about life.
10:30-12-Some productive work for a change. (interjected with Laura's and my critique of everyone who walks through the door and other musings on life)
12:05-Buy a stir-fry.
12:05-12:30-Savor stir-fry.
12:35-Headed over to Topside Convenience store. Bought a kit-kat, 2 amazin fruit packets, and a 12 pak of sprite (what else could a man ask for).
12:55-Back in the dorm just in time for back to back episodes of the Cosby Show! WHOOT!
2:00-Start getting blitzes about paper due tomorrow and my having to edit all 11 other members of my class's papers. ugh
2:25-Get tired of confusing blitzes.
2:27-Pee.
2:28-Go in bedroom and close door...nappy time, no not my hair.
4:55-Wake from what was supposed to be a 2 hour nap. Damn, already behind schedule.
5-11-Work on revising damn essay and reading everyone else's damn essays and having to make damn comments on every fucking thing wrong with all of their damn crappy papers. well, some were gems, but a bunch were crap!
11:05-Get tired. contemplate looking at porn.
11:06-Roomate walks in.
11:06:01-Porn no longer an option.
11:30-Go into bedroom with laptop because i'm tired of sitting in a damn chair. I lay on bed.
11:30-11:40-Surf web....who am i kidding...facebook.
11:45-Remember i have to write a blog for today.
11:47-Finally come up with the idea to write about my pointless day.
11:59-Realize it won't be done in 1 minute so i say screw rushing.
12:01-Get notion to look at porn again.
12:02-Other roomate walks in.
12:02:05-Porn no longer an option. (It took longer this time cause, well, I am in the other room and all...and I do have a mute button...fuck it.)
12:04-Order EBAs online. MMM Pizza.
12:10-Wrapping up my fucking pointless entry.
12:20-EBAs is here. Done Proofreading. Time for eat then sleep. Thus is life.

what a damn day. i promise tomorrow my entry will have some meaning. and if i have work...screw it. my thought are much more important than grades. i had today's entry all planned out. oh well, some other time.

Going mad with work and very little sleep at night,

GOOD-FUCKING-NIGHT, Kiddies! :-))

Hey Baby, What’s Your Sign?

2005-01-10T21:43:00.000-08:00

another day, another sleepless night. 1st all-nighter of the second term here at Dartmouth. After my astounding record 7 all-nighters last term, i’m already off to a bang-up start to not only shatter my own personal record, but a Dartmouth College all-time high! ugh. the life of an insomniac is not the life i desire. in general, being at college has made me realize the true value of good sleep. i’m talking, you couldn’t wake me with a catheter sleep. naps have become a daily part of my routine. Wake, class, eat, nap! It’s a simple schedule, but it works fairly effectively.

on to my next little topic of thought: signs.

recently, I began to think about just how much our lives are defined by signs. signs run our lives. we search for them, we obey them, we pray for them, we interpret them, we use them for communication, we fashion them as a means of self-definition. for many of us out there, particularly the hopeless romantics and the dreamers like myself, signs are the ultimate validations of what we choose to pursue or not pursue. for example, if i'm walking down the street, casually following* an unsuspecting object of my affection, (*note: i say casually following and not stalking. i'm not a pervert), and all of a sudden a stranger runs across the street and proceeds to violently make-out with this secret crush, who puts up no fight, mind you, then one might take this as a sign to move on to pursue other options.

for those who put a little faith in something called fate and never knowing what will come next; those who believe in spontenaiety as best thing since 5 o'clock free crack give-a-ways; those who put a little trust in the notion that, in the end, everything will be alright; those who throw caution to the wind, for these people, a sign is the only thing that carries us through life and allows us to keep dreaming and adapting to change.

many people find their sign in faith. many find it in religion and prayer and in trust that God will illuminate the correct path when a choice has to be made or when life takes a new, interesting turn. others find them in very strange places. many of life's most important lessons are learned or found in the most unexpected of forms. that's the beauty of life to me: that at any time i may have an epiphany. i may receive either some sign of divine intervention or just a subtle warning or caution. i can never predict which way my life will turn out. all i can do is live from day to day and be thankful that every morning i have an opportunity to start fresh and re-invent myself, if i so choose.

so to all of you out there who believe in the power of the sign to influence whichever path you may choose to pursue, whether it be a simple "stop" sign at a street intersection preventing you from a car accident, or the love of your dreams walking into a room and you overhearing someone in a completely unrelated conversation exclaim, "go for it," remember this: Always be on the look out for signs. Embrace them. Trust that you will recognize them, and please, honor their power. You never know which one may change your life completely.

many thanks to David Snead for his inspiring this entry, and

Until tomorrow kiddies!

Love Un...Never Requited

2005-01-09T21:11:00.000-08:00

Well, i might as well bypass all of the normal journal type stuff of recording my daily activities and ventures and dive right into the juicy portions of my life. Hmm. Come to think of it, my life isn't terribly juicy, but, rather, i'll say "moist."

so, my love life is a joke. hell, i'd laugh if someone one told me they had a love life like mine. for the longest time, i pittied myself, and i would always complain in hopes of getting the pity of others. at this point in my life, having just turned 19 about 2 months ago (on the 11th), i'm beyond pity. i don't mean that if there were a stronger word than pity it would apply here. i mean, i've recognized that pity is exactly what i don't need. this is to say, pity would only further my dilusion that i am not at fault, that it's the world's fault for not falling madly in love with me. c'mon, who wouldnt fall in love with this tall dark stranger!? i may not be a hunk or a model, but i'm not so bad to look at, and i think im a fun guy to be around. the world should quiver in shame and immediately fall to its knees in prime fellatio position in regret for having left me so lonely and dateless for all these years.

this was the thinking of the old Chris Jones. that Chris Jones is sooo 1998-2004. in the spirit of new years resolutions with the dawning of a new year (2005 baby...woah, i'll be 20!), i vow simply this: to really examine my life and just be honest with myself. i firmly believe that honesty with the self leads to unabashed honesty with others. so that i can stop lying to the world about my sad love plight, i have to stop lying to myself. my love life is only pitiful because i've made it that way. it's no fault of anyone else but mine.

an honest assessment of my faults: i am in no way, shape, or form aggressive. i'm a pretty laid-back romantic. sure my thoughts can get pretty aggressive. like this one time i imagined one particular object of my affection sitting delightfully and innocently in a room typing on a computer, when suddenly, i burst through the door like a maverick and lustfully tear my victim away from the dim-lit screen. i then throw them on the back of my horse and gallop away to a secret loft where we make sweet, sweet passionate love....followed by rough sex. that's not so bad actually. however, most of my fantasies involved being swept off of my own feet by some ruthless, yet gentle, scavenger ready to pillage my body. ok, tmi, i know, sorry.
i know that by all standards of society the man is supposed to be the aggressor, the one to take charge. but, that's just not in my personality. i've always told myself that one special person will come along one day and that will change. i will be so smitten, that i cannot be able to contain the urge to go jump some bones. perhaps that will still happen, but until, i'm still waiting..patiently...frustratedly...and hornily.
also, i never have the confidence to initiate any sort of romanticism. i'm quite self-conscious, and i don't much know why. i always feel as though i'll do something wrong, or say the wrong thing, or be totally awkward. mostly, i think it stems from an uncontrollable fear of rejection. i've never been rejected. this is because i've never put myself into a situation where i can be rejected. i don't understand what i'm so afraid of. it won't be the end of the world if someone simply says, "no."
i try to avoid awkward situations at all cost. to be put into a scenario where i have to face someone that rejected me, knowing my feelings for them and their lack of feelings for me, seems just so embarassing to me. i don't like to be hurt. so i figure i spare myself the hurt in advance...though at the cost of a good portion of my own happiness.
finally, i always seem to bark up the wrong tree. when i do fall for someone, it's always at the worst possible time ever. the other person is either involved in another relationship, or i'm not exactly their type, or my man-breasts are too big, or something like that. that's an immediate set up for hurt and disappointment, when you unwillfully fall for someone you can never have. it's happened so many times now, i'm used to it.

so what is this listing of my faults all to say, anyway. well. i need to suck it up, get some balls, and face my fears head on. this pessimism just won't do. my fear of rejection should not supercede the 50% possibility that a "yes" may follow one of my advances. don't get me wrong, i don't feel as though i need a relationship to validate my college experience or to be completely happy, peachy, and keen. but, it is a nice little bonus, having someone with whom to share my feelings of affection. plus, i've run into a few objects of attraction here at the Big D, and maybe i'll be man enough to pursue one of them... actively this time. i always think i'm being so obvious in my subtle little advances. though, really, i'm only peeking at a person from around a corner, and i naturally i expect them to notice, run over to me, and start passionately hooking on the spot. i pledge to shed the self-consciousness, realize that i am good enough person for anyone to date, and go get em, tiger. if someoone doesnt't like me for me, then fuck em, well, not literally cause they're bastards anyway. so, pro-active Chris is on the way...

well, one day, one day.

Till next time, kiddies.

YAY!

2005-01-09T05:10:00.000-08:00

Sweet. So, I've finally entered the world of "blogging!"

Ok, enough of the formalities. no more capitalization (except maybe names) and unnecessary punctuation.

there. i feel so much better!

so, yes, i'm Chris Jones (aka. CJo). i'm a freshman or '08 at Dartmouth College in the illustrious metropolis of Hanover, New Hampshire. i've got one term of college under my belt, and now i feel ready to blow out the college scene. or at least when i get up the nerve. i have made myself very happy and very busy on campus thus far. i had an awesome first term, and a lot actually happened. i had an amazing DOC trip. i auditioned for, joined, and quit an a cappella group. i'm in the gospel choir. i made it into the #1 improv comedy group on campus (if i do say so myself, and i do) the DOG DAY PLAYERS! they're amazing, and i love them all. in true Chris Jones fashion, i have become quite active on campus.

though, for a long while i have felt that to be happy, i need to be active. being in such a remote, and beautiful if i might add, part of the country has taught me that i don't always need to have every minute of my time occupied to be content. i'm just as happy now to be doing nothing....being lazy...sitting on my ass (more cursing to follow in future blogs). So, with all the activity, i make sure to take time and effort into doing nothing. believe me, for me to be doing nothing takes effort.

yeah, so it's about 5:09 in the morning and i do need to get a bit of sleep. there's work to be done and a world to be conquered tomorrow.

until next time...hmm..i feel as though i should end my first blog with some profound insight into the world for all of you dutiful readers and Chris Jones fans (yeah right)...hmm. oh, i saw this quote earlier and wrote it down cause i actually rather liked it. here it goes:

"Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future" -Paul Boese

Goodnight kiddies!